Thursday, 13 April 2006

He loves me, I love you not anymore

The rate of divorce is exploding. There are talks about four days marriages. Yes, you read me right, FOUR days. Four as in: 1+3, 2+2, 3+1. It’s not sad anymore. It’s plain absurd.

“I made a mistake; I should never have gotten married to you!”
“We made a mistake; we should have never gotten married!”

We’re human and mistake making prone, is this reason good enough to justify divorce?

One of the conclusions I’ve come to is that getting married is not the mistake people think they make. The mistake they actually make is fall in love. What? You don’t agree? I see you shaking you head there! You’re appalled and you’re thinking “what’s getting into Fitèna?! She’s going bananas? It’s normal to fall in love. It’s great….”

Hear me out.


What do we fall in love with anyway?

The way she walks. The way he cocks his head when he’s listening to you. They way she says your name. The way he talks about his brothers’ kids. The way she puts her hair up. His smile. Her throat laugh. His sense of humor. Her joie de vivre. His zodiac sign. She loves football. He real looks at you. She does not look through you and gives you her full attention.



You’re in love. You date. The sky is blue, the love is true and whom you love is “you”.

Forgot the package didn’t you?

“The way she walks. The way he cocks his head when he’s listening to you. They way she says your name. The way he talks about his brothers’ kids. The way she puts her hair up. His smile. Her throat laugh. His sense of humor. Her joie de vivre. His zodiac sign. She loves football. He real looks at you. She does not look through you and gives you her full attention.”

You get all of that plus the person.


Person as in: Bad hair days. Is a vegetarian and you’re not. Is a cleanliness freak and you’re not. Brother-in-law not a very nice person. Sister-in-law calls at all times because sibling was there for her before you came along. Mother in law calls you “mon enfant” and you hate that but can’t bring yourself to tell her. You tell other party. Other party thinks you’re exaggerating. Because other party THINKS and your thought s and his/hers might clash. As is it, you don’t like his red shirt, the one he wore on your first date and you thought it looked great. As it is, he thinks you should cut your hair. As is it, you think he should grow up and quit making jokes all the time. You forget that that’s what you fell in love with.

You wake up one morning and you definitely don’t recognize the other party. “I made a mistake” you think.

You think wrong. You just fell in love with 15% of the person and forgot the 85% essentials.

Trying to change the other into someone who corresponds more to what the ideal partner is for us. Being always together, doing everything together, going everywhere together. These are the other factors which, I think, lead to divorce. To overcome them shouldn’t be a very very arduous task, if you believe in your couple but “Its over, you’re a good person and am sure you’ll find someone…” blablablabla….

“Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

(Kahlil Gibran)


But what do I know anyway. I’ve no experience in the matter. Maybe you’d care enough to enlighten me.

9 comments:

GirlGoyle said...

The way I see it is...you need to be your own person before you can ever expect to be an effective half of a whole.

Fitèna said...

GG, Am definitely stealing that!

Fitèna

ChickyBabe said...

My closest friend is going through a separation now, and she still thinks she can change him to her liking. Some never learn...

Claire said...

From the scientific side, feel-good chemicals are released by the body when we fall in love. That high can last for a few years after which is when most divorces occur. I guess it would depend on when you got around to getting married after falling in love, but I think the article said most divorces occur after about 4 years marriage. That makes sense though if you figure it would take a while for people to realize and then act on their new feelings (or lack of them).

Egan said...

Very important subject Fitèna. As you stated you just can't expect others to change. It's not fair to do so. You have to be willing to adjust or things will never improve.

My wife and I are both the product of divorced parents. Marriage is one of the most complex relationships ever. We're celebrating five years at the end of this month. Great post topic.

Fitèna said...

ChickyBay, I have friends getting divorced after 14 years marriage. Its sad and you just hope that forte from what you've learned, never to be in such a situation...

Claire, you're right there and the period is three years. If am not mistaken, a substance called dopamine (I hope am not mistaken here), works in full during these three years. This is the peiod when there's a lot of desire and romance in the air. Your perceptions are skewed and you see just want you want to see in the other. once that period over, you get back to earth.
My question is, if some people can stay happily married all their lives, why can't others too? But then, who are we to judge!

Egan, Happy fifth anniverssary! Like I said to Chicky up there, being "products" of divorced parents may be what is going to make you sustain your relationship and make a life partner of each other in the sens that you'll not make the same mistakes you believe they did. I hope so.

Fitèna

Neil said...

I definitely don't think it is a good idea to get married too young, because you don't really know what you want yet. A lot of people get married thinking they always have an out with divorce, rather than waiting for the right person.

Fitèna said...

Neil, You're so right considering that those marriages don't last long! But might it not have more to do with maturity rather than age?
Fitèna

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