Wednesday, 8 November 2006

Lonely #1

He picked up the phone and dialled. It rang. He pulled at his hair. It hurt but he didn't care. Somehow, hurting himself made him better because he felt something then. He wondered if things would have to go to that extent and wished that he managed to make things right before they did.

The phone was still ringing. They've probably gone out he thought. He cursed himself for not calling earlier. No one would be home at on a Saturday night. The thought of watching TV or going out alone made him feel sick. He had to meet someone. Anyone. He needed to talk. Talk about what? He had no idea but there was something definitely the matter with him.

This morning, leaning over the window he saw himself falling down and looking up at himself his mouth open. A soundless scream. He shrank back from the window laughing nervously with the sound of his wildly beating heart filling his ears.

As much as he did not enjoy his current job he looked forward to leaving his apartment for it. He needed to meet people. Just like he'd taken to playing his music loud enough to annoy the neighbourhood. Like he'd taken to walk aimlessly around his apartment. Like he'd taken to reading till the morning.

He went back to his apartment every evening with his body as heavy as lead. He dragged his feet and took his time inserting the key to open the door. He pushed the door open and stood there watching himself go inside, shut the door and spend the evening with himself. He knew he felt that way because he feared being alone.

“The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself”. Mark Twain

What's the worst loneliness, according to you?





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10 comments:

ChickyBabe said...

I'm no medical expert but he sounds like he's suffering from depression. You can be your own best company at times, but people need people.

Anonymous said...

hi Fitena,

it sounds a bit like me when i'm at my best! :D

worst loneliness for me: being around people n yet, not being part of them. they talk and laugh but there is no connection with them. after a while, it feels like i'm just part of the room's furniture.

lol, don't know if that makes sense but that has been and may still be my worst loneliness...

i don't mind being by meself...

true, no one is an island but hey, i'm an extreme loner n bordeline sociopath...also, i'm from an island nation! so yeah, i like being an island more often than not! lol

take care

Roberta said...

My worst lonliness is feeling like the men I'm around want everyone but me.

fringes said...

Same with me, Roberta, as much as I hate to admit that.

Margaret said...

along the lines of what waz said, being among a happy group that I'm just not part of is pointed loneliness

Fitèna said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Fitèna said...

CB, from what I know, depressed persons don't seek other people's presence.
How would you translate "mal être"? I don't think the term depression really expresses what He is going through.

Waz, I wouldn't want to hear about when you're at your worst then! :-)
I disconnect like that too but only when am bored and feel that my surrounding is superficial so the loneliness is welcomed then.
Somehow I can't picture you as a sociopath!

Roberta & fringes, You've said its a feeling, then its not a fact. Right? It shouldn't be! This is one loneliness you definitely can do something about. And this is not just my think positive attitude talking here!

Margaret, we can't be always cheerful too, can we? Feeling lonely from time to time happens to all of us and in such circumtances its better not to pretend that you're feeling otherwise. The stress of the pretence ends up making you feel more miserable.

Fitèna

ChickyBabe said...

Mal etre could be an early sign. Don't discount it...

Winters said...

I recognize those emotions. Thankfully, I also recognize that they don't last forever.

Lovely piece, Fitena.

Fitèna said...

CB, I read this comment on Friday an did some reading. You're right! What I found surprising was to learn that many people start feeling this mal etre just when everything seems to be going superbly in their lives!

Winters, Thank you! I guess that the period of time it lasts depends on the person concerned.

Fitèna