Wednesday, 31 May 2006

Me, Reading and I

I can clearly see the day I was told that I'd be going to school. I froze. Then I started jumping up and down. On the bed, on the table, on the chair. My mum was laughing, my sister was crying and my brother was sucking his thumb.


School didn't interest me. What I longed and thirsted for was to know what the square, round and pointed symbols covering the pages of books meant.

Is the love of reading hereditary? Maybe. We've always been surrounded by books. Mum says We'd be millionaires if we sell of your father's books. When she's mad at him she yells, Next time you travel, I'll sell your books. I thought it was funny and silly. I don't think so anymore.

On my pictures, of that period, am always carrying a book or pretending to read by pouting. I read anything I could lay my hands on. I remember one time for Eid, we were going to a friend of my father's with some friends and their big brothers and sisters. Walking, I saw a torn magazine which I bent down to pick. One of the big sisters look at me severely, shook her head and said One day you'll read your own shadow (death). I laughed. I was terrified. I had nightmares. I still think about it from time to time and wonder if my being short-sighted has nothing to do with it.

The first book I recall possessing was a comprehension book called "La Famille Boda". On the cover was an illustration showing a girl reading "La Famille Boda". I wished it were me.

"La Famille Boda"
has an anecdote.

We were living in Niger at that time and my father was professor in a University about 54kms from Niamey, the capital. I always say, our time there was the greatest lesson I've ever been taught.

There were people from all over the world teaching and being taught in this University. The wives were all friends and the kids all played together. That's where we learned respect and love. Caring and helping.

Anyway, there was this new family from Côte d'Ivoire like us. The kids were enrolled with us at school and the mother came to visit and have an idea about the school etc from my mother. My mother does not speak French properly so I had to translate. Now, this lady wants to know if what comprehension book we use. "La Famille Boda" I told her smiling. She gaped at me, frowned and said Excuse me. "La Famille Boda" I repeated spelling the words, happy to show off. She said Thank You curtly, collected her kids and went home. My mother said What did you say to make her mad? I said Nothing mommy. I went to take my book and see whether I'd gotten it wrong. I'd gotten it right.


When my father came back home, my mum told him what happened. He smiled and said nothing.

Later, I came to know that in my ethnic dialect Malinké - which I did not speak at the time - Boda means Asshole.


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Monday, 29 May 2006

The Arrival


The whole village of Ar-Rayat in Sudan is there. They came by bus, car, donkeycart, bicycle, foot. In Ar-Rayat everybody is related. One way or the other. In times of happiness or sorrow, they're all there to share with you.

The doctors are complaining and asking the relatives to please step outside. No one is listening or paying any attention to them. The doctors sigh and attempt to work around them.

A lady is crying. Her mother is holding her hand and telling her Everything is going to be allright. You'll be fine. Don't be afraid. Stay Calm.

The crying lady cries harder and screams from time to time. The lady holding her hand is praying. Praying that her daughter would be fine. Wishing her son-in-law were there and not in a plane somewhere over The Red Sea. She clutches her daughter's hand and prays.

The Crying Ladies sisters come and peek in on her fromtime to time. She's doing fine they tell the relatives outside. They smile when they hear her crying. It won't take long now they say.

It's time says the nurse. The doctor comes and they take the crying lady in. She screams for her mother.

The doctor talks to her and tells her to stay calm and eveything will be ok. She tries to stay calm but its hard. She's terrified. The nurse holds her hand and talks to her and instructs her. Breath in. Yea. Good. That's it. Good. You're doing fine.

Come here. Says the doctor. I see you. Here. Here!!! Congratulations! You have a lovely baby girl! Your first!

This day, twenty five years ago, I was born.

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Friday, 26 May 2006

Overheard

Overheard one
In the van, this morning.


Lady #1: Hey, hey (lo Lady #2) did you do facial (face cleansing treatment)
Lady #2: Noooh
Lady #1: So how are your arms hairs blond? Huh?
Lady # 2: Oh, that's called bleaching!
Lady #1: Ah! They look real nice that way. Don't they?
Lady # 2: Yeah! And my arms are very hairy you know, so I bleach them.

Overheard Two
In the Bus, day before yesterday


School girl #1: Yeah! You wouldn't believe what he did!? He raped her!
School girl # 2: Noooh! He didn't?
SG #1: He did am telling you! His mother found it out but no one would believe her when she told.
SG #2: How terrible! But why?
SG #1: Because they're married silly!
SG# 2: OMG, and whats going to happen now?
SG#1: His mother is going to kill him soon.

[Am glad I know the indian serial they're talking about. Imagine some ignorant being sitting in my place. What would he/she think?]


Overheard Three
In the bus, last week


(Woman gets in and sits beside Man she apparently knows.)


W: Hi!
M: How are you? Long time no seen? What are you doing in Port Louis? I thought you didn't work here anymore?
W: Am off, I came here for some errands. I saw X. She was going to the pharmacy and...
M: Really? Is she sick? Its been a while since I haven't seen her!
W: Yeah, she was fine she said she had to get something for...
M: Look at me for a second...

(I sense movement)


W: huh what?
M: Don't you notice something?
W: huh... yes.. no...
M: I'VE LOST WEIGHT!
W: Oh yes. You have.

I plug in my earphones.

"The capacity of Human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater to that of any other animal" said H. L. Mencken.

A special thank you to all those of whom I read for being so unboring. No, really. I mean it.


Bon week end à Tous et Happy Carnival of the Mundane!


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Wednesday, 24 May 2006

Cooking, marriages and Mauritius....

[Loaded this is from my old home.
Some modifications have been brought in
and many corrections.
This post is to be submitted at the coming
Carnival of the Mundane. Hosted here.]
All my adolescence I spent here. In Mauritius. This island is more home to me than any other place I've been. Not that I prefer it or anything of that sort but in the sens that its where I've stayed longer. I've come to sometimes wish we'd never leave. I hate good-byes. And till now I still haven't returned back to any of the places we've lived before. I thus don't know and ain't sure am going to see my present friends soon, if ever, if we leave. Not that am seeing them that much anyway.

My friends are all married. Most of them anyway. Those aren't yet are either committed or engaged.

Whenever I go visit a friend, the mother, aunt or grand mother would ak me: “are you single?” I answer “no am Fitèna."

Of course I don't say that, but I wish I could. Too bad am such a polite-good-mannered-girl (sigh).

I worry them. They ask me why? you're a girl, they remark, You must marry! I sigh again and and shrug. i quit sighing the day they started thinking I was desperate because no one proposed to me. Now I scowl and shrug.

Some grandmas call me a spinster. Am 24 years old. Hilarious really, if it wasn't so irritatingly sad.

I had this friend. B was her name. We did three classes together. Form 2 (back when I was englishically ignorant) up to form 4. In form 3 we get to have to choose our subjects. In form 4 some of us go to either science, literature or accounts sections. I was in no particular section.

I took English, French, Maths – which are compulsory – Arabic, Commerce, Economy, Accounts and Home Economics. What Home Economics had to do with all the other subjects, I don't know, I just loved eating, cooking and eating and wanted to know what I shouldn't be eating in order to lose weight put on from eating the food I loved cooking.

Anyway, B and I were in Home Economics together. We did mock exams every two weeks to help us cope with the pressure of the real exams and also to master time management to make good use of the 2 hours alloted to us to do our cooking, setting up, serving and washing up.

We were assigned questions like: Your mother is sick. She has a deficiency of calcium and suffers from High B. P. Prepare and serve her an appropriate breakfast.

I hated those questions. My favourites wre the ones where we're asked to prepare stuff for a birthday party or a summer buffet ouvert. Those were great. You cook almost whatever you want. Home Economics was super.

We had to start and end it all in two hours. Not a minute more. You lose marks if you take more time.

So, B. once had an easy question. She had to prepare a meal for 4 teenagers. All she had to do was to bear in mind the fact that they were in the process of growing up etc... and needed extra proteins etc. Her Time Plan (we have to submit it prior to the cooking) was fine. Mrs O, the teacher said GO and we started.

I baked a cake that day. A sponge cake. Finger licking good fruit and whipped cream sponge cake. That was the dessert. For the meal I prepared a Salade de Couscous, Grilled spicy chicken, Tomato Chutney, Creamed Lentils and a fruit cocktail. Mrs O teacher beamed at me when she came over to my already set table. And I'd already done all my washing up. Bravo, she said to me. I went to sit and watch my fellow class mates at work.

What was B doing? I learned it soon enough. Mrs O started yelling at poor B. Why? Because, B was still in Step 1 of Part 1 of first dish - not meal, dish! She was deep frying a drumstick. You won't believe this (even I couldn't), but this girl had been frying chicken the whole two hours and done nothing, nada, rien, zilch at all apart that. And some of it was burnt.

You know what? The year after, she did not come to school. She'd gotten married during the holidays. Unbelievable.

I wonder sometimes what her husband, if he's still alive and hasn't starved to death, looks like.

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Monday, 22 May 2006

Reminiscing

I have been reminiscing again. I always do it in the wrong places and at the wrong time. In the bus, crossing the street, on the phone with a potential client. In short, am thought to be insane each time it happens because I can’t help but giggle.


Lately, it has been much about Arabic. My langue maternelle. Not the language as such by my school memories related to it.


I remember my first day at school in Mauritius. I made a show of speaking Arabic with the Arabic teacher. I didn’t understand creaol at the time but I knew they were whispering about me and ohhh ahhing about how well I was speaking the language. I was happy and proud of myself and made fast friends. Then they started asking me to help them with their assignments. I was mad at them for asking me because I never learnt how to say no and mad at myself because I wasn’t doing them any favor by saying yes.


I remember one particular event which took place when we were in Form IV (Secondary fourth year). The teacher asked us to write a descriptive essay on “The New House”. It was a home work. The week after, the teacher came with our corrected essays and asked B. to please read her essay aloud to the class. B. began to read:



“The New House.
“Last week, with my family, we moved into our new house. My new house is big. It has a big garden and a big fountain in the big garden. The portal is white and big and the house which is big is also painted white. There are big windows. Inside the house there are big rooms. Mine is bigger. My mum installed a big bed for me with a big closet for my clothes. Because I like to cook I went to see the kitchen. I was so happy because it was so big. The oven was really big. I thought about all the big cakes I’d bake in it. In the living room, the sofas were brown in color and quite comfortable, that’s because my parents had chosen the big ones. The dining room table was so tall and big it could easily accommodate twenty four persons. In the garden there were many flowers. Red and yellow flowers. The roses were almost of a fist size, so big….”


I need not say that at this point, no one was listening. I had my head under the desk trying to suppress laughter. Nothing to be done. Even the teacher’s lips were twitching. Those who weren’t getting it were staring at us and poor B. was standing there wondering whether we were laughing at her or with her?


I reread her essay so many times I can’t recall. Each time, I’d double up laughing. We were meant to come up with 150 words. Half of her words were “BIG”.


Of course, after laughing, I’d feel ashamed because I didn’t really have to work hard to write up essays and had absolutely no merit for speaking the language. But, still *grinning*.

Friday, 19 May 2006

The Key to Failure

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."

Bill Cosby


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Tuesday, 16 May 2006

Neighbors

Now you understand why here it's All for oneself and God for all, asked my other neighbour. It was a rhetorical question. But let me first tell you about it from the start.


I have mean mean mean neighbours. They live downstairs. It's not their fault they're so mean. We, somehow, drove them to this méchanceté. How? We were too nice.


When we first came to Mauritius, we were miserable in our neighbourhood. We came from a place where no one is on just a "hello how are you" basis. There, people care about each other. It’s no pretence. They really do. They visit each other in times of sickness, happiness, sorrow... They don't spy on each other peeping behind a curtain. Here it was all the opposite. Not for long..


We, being the people we are, set about seducing the neighbourhood. At first, some were very reluctant to let us come to their places but soon we were almost at everybody's and everyone was at our place. And we lived happily till they moved in.
We went to welcome them. They thought it was very nice to have neighbours such as us. Soon they came over. I don't know why, but we never went over to their place which you might put on the account of female intuition.

Anyway, they had a daughter and another on the way. The baby born, the mum asked whether we could look after her while she was gone somewhere. Mum said yeah sure, avec plaisir. I said, what you're not sure you're going to end, better not start. Mum said why are you so hard?.


Days and months passed and the kids (the two of them now) were staying longer and longer. One day Mum said Am tired. The month of Ramadan is near and I wouldn’t be able to rest with the kids around. We told mum to just tell the lady. She didn't so I did. Lady told me he kids would be no trouble and Mum can sleep and they'll just sit as sage comme des images. I asked her whether she bought her nerve by the kilos. Of course I didn't. I told mum to take care of it. Mum was very frank with lady but lady and hubby took it very very very bad. How could we refuse? Who do we think we are anyway?.


Two days later cops ringing the bell. The downstairs neighbour had called them on us because we're doing too much noise. We spoke with them. They were real nice. They spoke to the neighbour saying what God knows and were gone.
.

Three days later, same scene, same cops. The sixth time they came for the same reason we asked them to come in for a cup of tea, we'd become friends. They accepted. One of them told us about his mother-in-law who lives with them upstairs and how the sounds made up just resounds down and that there's nothing to be done about it. They asked how many we were we said 7 and they said there's bound to be some noise; you can't tiptoe in your own house. We said of course. They thanked us and went to chat with the neighbour..


Hubby, waiting outside, seeing them taking so long must have thought they were giving us a hard hard time or maybe they were arresting us. We opened the window to see his face falling when he saw them turning the corner alone. Just the two of them. He looked up at us, scowled and demanded to know why the cops weren't doing anything. Cops calmly told him that what he complained about was pretty normal. They explained that had we been disturbing the neighbourhood at some specific hours with loud music and stuff they could take steps to remedy the situation.


Neighbour is mean but also pretty stupid. He found nothing sensible else to ask the cops apart: "You're not doing anything because am not giving you money (bribe)"..


The cops embarked him.


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Monday, 15 May 2006

Talking to Toi-Même

You blinked. Blinked again and rubbed eyes. Then You smiled and was met in return with a raised eyebrow. You looked around at ack at it. You watched its lips moving telling you No, you're not dreaming! Am not? No, you're not. I must be going insane then! No, you're not. I just thought it was about time the two of us had a little conversation.


I've been observing you. You've changed. You never used to give a care about me. Now, you spend too much time looking at me. You and I both know you're having a problem. We even read about it last week remember? You actually didn't want to but I found it out and made you. How I knew? It's the first section we'd page to when you buy the magazine. Only, this time, you didn't. So, I made us. And you didn't like it. But I did. What it said is that spending too much time looking at me is a sure sign of lack of self confidence in one's exterior image. That's didn't worry me much. What got me worried is that I noticed you keep on repeating things to yourself before saying them out loud. Don't deny it. You did it in the bus last week. You just went on “Port Louis” in your head as if you were afraid you'd forget your destination or say the wrong thing. You, you never acted this way before. You weren't afraid to make mistakes. We learn from mistakes You said. And we did. You used to laugh at the mistakes we made. Self derision is what I loved about us. But now, I don't like what you're turning us into.

You look away. You raise you hand to your mouth. You're going to bite your nails. Then realise there's nothing left to bite anymore. They're almost bleeding. You look at it and sad sad sad eyes look back at you. You tell it that you've met some people. New friends you've made. They're so sophisticated. They know so much. Have been to so many places. Seen so many things. Done so much. And You? You feel that you're going nowhere. You feel that tomorrow and the day after you'll be where you're standing today.

What total nonsense it shoots back at You. Having le cafard is good from time to time. To keep you emotionally balanced. Now do me a favour and get over it. I know you can. Remember all we've been through together and where we are today. And you have only You and Him to thank for. Don't you think that those friends you made might be thinking just the same thing about you? Wishing they had the life You have?


You thought about it. It was true. You remembered something, read somewhere. It said: “Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. (*)”

You looked at it and smiled. It returned the smile. Your reflection.

[*Henry Van Dyke]

Friday, 12 May 2006

Two in One

[Reading This, I decided it was time to post what follows below.
It was an email forwarded to me.
Thank me for sharing it!]




1. The Quarter Life Crisis is...
When you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.


You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or; mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.


You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly, you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not.


You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try to cling onto the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better.


You love someone, but maybe love someone else too, and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.


One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.


You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself, and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!


What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


2. The Carnival of the Mundane is being hosted here. Here's what the Blundering Amarican had to say about votre dévouée here:

"With her expertise in international movies, Fitena will make an interesting addition to the International Trade Commission. The unofficial White House comment was, "She can focus on what's really important and brings a perspective from Mauritius. Who was the last nominee you heard with those characteristics?""

You tell me!?

Great week end to y'all!


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Wednesday, 10 May 2006

...volution

Yestarday, you never saw him before!
Yesterday it was a glance, a look, a smile, a voice, a smell.
Yesterday it was the way he walked, the way he talked, the way he thought.
Yesterday its was colliding into each other just like in the movies and staring at each other.
Yesterday it was a crush, a coup de foudre, while you're just minding your business the least expecting it.
Yesterday it happened au hasard.
Yesterday you waited for THE soul mate.
Yesterday, he was the one, you just felt it in your bones.
Yesterday you beamed and giggled andwent to bed with a dreamy smile.


Today, you see him before.
Today its Information Technology,
Today its a PC, a mouse, a modem and his picture.
Today you know who he says he is, his favourite colour.
Today you can tell if he's lousy at grammar from how he describes himself.
Today he has the right to say “beautiful specimen looking for beautiful specimen”.
Today you can read his psychological profile and the machine tells you how compatible you are.
Today you browse, wrong hair colour, eyes colour, weight, teeth, income, click, delete, discard, click.
Today first click is a free trial, you test the product, look for faulty components, when satisfied you click.
Today its a calculated move.
Today you go looking for your soul mate.
Today, he might be this one, wait no, that one, better picture.
Today you're unsure, you take a pill and go to bed, you have a headche.

----------------------------------------

[Bonus to make you smile]




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Tuesday, 9 May 2006

Pensée

"Whatever God's dream about man may be, it seems certain it cannot come true unless man cooperates."


Stella Terrill Mann

Monday, 8 May 2006

Ugly

What is the world coming to? What are we turning into? Is there a plausible explanation to explain, not justify, things we sometimes do? Is there an excuse, a valid excuse for some of our deeds? I have questions. Many questions. No answer is good enough. Am I being over exigent? I don't believe so. You wouldn't either.

I remember how I used to loath watching the news. It started some four years ago. This instinctive recoil when I'd hear the news starting generic. I read the papers, preferably when there were no pictures to illustrate particular news. I started quitting that too little by little; I realised its the pictures which make the paper sell. The worst, the better.

Last year, I thought about it and decided that I was being immature, that my not watching the news or reading the papers was not going to change anything, that on the contrary I should be doing just that if I cared for my fellow human beings, that I should be aware as to what is going on in the world, that that is what would make me a responsible citizen of the world.

I hadn't heard about this in the news, nor did I read it. Not yet. The passengers of the van to Port Louis were discussing it. I wasn't really listening so I didn't think nothing of it. I thought it'd happen somewhere, in another country. Then my friend L told me about it. She came form France to spend a week with us. She asked me Have you heard about it? I said yeah, but I wasn't listening. She said It's terrible. I said Yes, its terrible. My head was aching real bad, I couldn't come up with a word strong enough to describe it.

I then read in the papers, yesterday, what the mother said. She said I hope when it's all over, things will get back to normal and she'd forget it all. What is normal? I ask the written words. Then I think, She's a mother. What has she got left but Hope? Deep down she knows nothing would ever e normal with her little girl but she's got to hope.

A child. A 10 years old child. I haven't seen her but I picture her with a pink dotted dress. A big bow tying the dress. A ponytail. Big cheeks. Still fat from baby fat. The big round belly looks incongruous on her little frame. She can't think of a way to stand, sit or lay to relieve herself from this weight. The weight of this infant growing inside her. A six months infant in this 10 years old little girl.

The father? Allegedly, her father.

Friday, 5 May 2006

Law and Humour

When I was a child, I had dreams about being a doctor. A Surgeon. Cutting people up and sewing them back again. I also thought that movie people were courageous. Imagine have a job where you get killed?! I started wondering about their "courage" when the dead-in-the-previous-movie people popped on the screen in other movies. it puzzled me and I decided that "no, they worked in this one then in that other one!" Then I grew up.

I decided I'd be a lawyer. Its still a profession am contemplating. But since I read what is
ci-dessous, am reconsidering.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
[Am nursing a very very bad ache here
but couldn't consider starting my week end
without giving you a post.
I was forwarded the lawyer "pearls" a while ago,
thought I'd share it.
So, this better make you smile!]



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Tuesday, 2 May 2006

We wont' repeat it enough....

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

"Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today."? So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.

"H-M-M, " she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today."? So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.

"Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.

"YEAH!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Attitude is everything.
["Stolen" with permission from Br. C. S.]