Thursday, 17 August 2006

Romance?

After Broken and Robbed below, I thought it was time for something super light. This is a rechauffé from my old home but it's still good!

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men:

*Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.*

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
In the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
Named Tina (-4)
Tina is a dancer (-6)
Tina has silicon implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matterWHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

Now what chance do you have???


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Monday, 14 August 2006

Broken

When I was eight I went to spend the night at my mum's friend. She was a neighbor, had no kids and her husband had gone abroad. As far as I could remember that was the first time I'd slept over at anyone's place. I must have before that but I don't recall any of the previous sleep overs. I still remember and will always will this one.

Aunt N was so happy to have me over. She asked my mum to let me come a bit early. I was there at five. She made me her famous chocolate chip cookies which I loved. She did not fear me spoiling my appetite like my mum. That was super cool. She made yellow rice (she actually added saffron, which I did not know then) and beef stew. It was yummy. She even let me stay late for TV which wasn't that late since TV ended at 10 sharp on week days.

I was a very curious kid - still is, curious I mean - and asked her questions non-stop. She obliged and seemed really happy to converse with me. I felt so grown up.

Later, after bath and wearing my pajamas, I jumped into her huge bed where she spread her wedding pictures which I'd seen before but quickly because the mums wanted to see them and it wouldn't have been polite to take one's time. Now, they were all mine. I asked questions about each and every picture. I was mesmerized by her pictures in her wedding dress. I'd never seen anyone in a black wedding dress before. I asked her about it and she went to her wardrobe asking me to shut my eyes till she told me otherwise. I did. When I opened them she was holding the dress against herself. The black glittering fabric looked weird against her white pale skin and her blondish hair. With brutal children frankness I remarked that she looked like she were in mourning. She smiled but she did not look pleased. She put it away and said Sleep time now. She switched off the light and got in bed.

She started telling me a story which bored me. I asked her how they met, she and her husband. Surely, that was more interesting that the rabbit tale she was telling me. She laughed and said that they did not meet. Then how did you get married I asked, puzzled. She explained that he saw her, came to ask for her hand. She saw him the day he came. He pleased her. They got married. This bored me too.

What do you want to do when you grow old? She asked.
Study.
And then?
Go to University I guess.
And then?
Become a doctor.
Why?
Because I think doctors look real classy and they are liked by people.
Hummm..

I felt so good to be able to talk to an adult so freely. She's so cool I thought.

And then? She interrupted my thoughts.
Get married and have babies.
Silence.

She's fallen asleep, I told myself.

The next day over lunch my mum asked, What did you tell N last night huh? Eight years old girls don't think about marrying and having babies. They concentrate on their homework, don't stay up late or TV and quit eating chocolate chip cookies all the time.

I felt as if someone was squeezing my insides. I felt a pain in a my heart. The food I was eating was suddenly tasteless.

Later, when I grew up, I realised that that was the day I got my first taste of broken trust.

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Wednesday, 9 August 2006

That's the Question?

People don't listen to themselves speaking. Nor do they listen to you. If they did, they'd have spent their whole lives laughing at themselves. If they've got a sens of humour that is!

It's amazing how nonsensical and unintelligent we are sometimes. I guess it's because no one takes the trouble to think twice before uttering anything. The examples are innumerable so I shall just mention a few here.

A month ago, E and me had a lunch date. After lunch I walked her to the post office. On the way we stopped at a street t-shirt seller's to have a look. While E and me were bargaining, K, a school friend happened to walk by. We hugged and kissed how do you do. I introduced E and K seriously asks me Is she your friend? Yes I solemnly replied.

I was actually thinking, No, I just saw this girl bargaining for a T-shirt, thought I'd help her because I thought she looked cool and asked her her name just in case someone I knew would walk by for me to introduce her.

Now, why did she even have to ask me that huh?

I went to a friend's wedding and met another friend whom I hadn't seen for a while there. We kiss and she says Friend invited you. No, she did not say it, she was asking. I didn't think she was serious so I just smiled.

Yes, because what would I have been doing there in my best attire with a gift for the bride?

We went to watch Invisible Man a couple of years ago. If you've seen it then you'd remember the lift scene where the heroine manages to push Invisible Man down in the fire where he stews. Anyway, everyone knows that Invisible Man is dead at this point. He's finished. Mort. Muerte or whatever. G sitting next to me whispers Is he dead. Am so into the movie I don't answer. I think he's just making a statement. Furious whispers and definitely a question Is he dead? Now Invisible Man is stewing and the heroine looks relieved. G grabs my arm to draw my attention Is he dead??? Am a very mean person so I let him simmer in what he's living as a suspense when the whole cinema knows that Invisible Man is gone to lala land. Is HE DEAD? Am feeling sorry for G who looks like he's going to cry. I wait a bit but now the heroine is out of the building and the rescues are there and the movie is coming to an end. I look at G and say Yes, he's dead G, he's dead. See, the movie has ended. He glares at me and says I know, what do you think I am, stupid?

I raised an eyebrow.



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Friday, 4 August 2006

Robbed

When you were a child, everything was possible. Nothing was impossible. You were fed, clothed and instructed. No worries about tomorrow. Dreams about tomorrow instead.

When you were a child you were a nurse now, later a cop, yesterday you wanted to be Jackie Chan, a soldier but right now you wanted to be President. When you grew older.

When you were a child your parents were there for you.

Remember when you fell from you bike? Mum was there to calm, comfort and take care of you. When Big Bully bullied you at school Dad taught you a trick or two.

When you were a child you played bang bang you're dead and everybody ressurected after a few seconds an had a big laugh.

When you were a child, you thought "action-less" and "blood-less" movies sucked.

Today your life is a movie only no one ressurects.

Today you don't dream anymore, you've been robbed of your childhood.

Today what you want to do when you grow up is be alive.

[This is for all the children of the world reffered to by some as "collateral damage"].
[Ceci est pour tous les enfants du monde appelés par certains "domages collattereaux"].

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